I distinctly remember the day about a year ago when the prevalence of cohabitation really hit me. I was on my way to a previous workplace of mine to introduce an old co-worker to my soon-to-be husband. Both of us began serious relationships at the same time while we were working together. Her curious questions about my “odd” long-distance relationship to a man who I met on a mission trip with no plans of kissing until marriage were constant. She was about to meet my out-of-the-ordinary boyfriend; a man who loved and still loves the Lord.
After I introduced my boyfriend, my friend and co-worker responded with, “My boyfriend and I are now living together!” and she was clearly excited about it. I didn’t know how to respond. While I came to share my excitement for marriage, I felt pressured to have the same excitement for two people moving in together. I have to admit I faked excitement. I didn’t want my true feelings to jeopardize our friendship. I faked excitement because it’s what society expected of me. I’m not saying it was the best reaction to have, but it’s what happened. What I know to be true didn’t stop me; that living together is not the same as marriage and can even be dangerous. The truth is that this conversation is all too common among people my age; people in their 20’s. We are expected to view cohabitation as a normal and even a good and healthy step in a relationship. This is far from the truth.
Because of cohabitation, unmarried couples have increased by 17 times (Wilcox, 2011)! This seems so drastic, but it’s easy for me to believe. It seems that there are more people living together than getting married these days. Some of you may be asking why? There are many reasons. A lot of young people have lost their faith in marriage in large part due to divorce (Stanton, 2011). I can understand why too. It seemed like half of my friends growing up at one time or another had to experience a painful divorce. If I had gone through what they did, I would find it hard to trust marriage too. Divorce is the number one factor to undercut a child’s quality of life (Wilcox, 2011).
Passionate, selfish love is seen everywhere in our culture. This is another reason why many couples find cohabitation attractive (Stanton, 2011). Once the passionate love wears off in one relationship, there is no commitment to break if they want to seek passionate love elsewhere. Our consumeristic culture has rubbed off on our relationships. Once one relationship isn’t meeting all of someone’s desires anymore they move onto the next one, or that’s at least the growing trend (William Doherty, 2011). I think both of these reasons can be heard in a comment I often hear, “Why get married, if we can live together? Isn’t it the same thing, just not on paper?”
The answer is no, absolutely not. Marriage is not just a piece of paper; it is a covenant relationship between husband and wife. In Malachi 2:14 a wife is referred to as more than a companion, but a wife by covenant. A covenant is more than a promise and it is more than a contract. It is something we are not too familiar within our culture, but if we look at the bible we can see God fulfilling covenant after covenant. His covenant with Noah to never destroy the earth again, His covenant with Abraham to multiply his descendants, His covenant with the Israelites to deliver them from slavery and bring them to the promised land, and His covenant to bring us Jesus Christ. All of these covenants God has faithfully fulfilled.
The covenant of marriage was created to reflect Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Christ never gave up on the Church and Christ never stopped loving the church. Christ died for the church and then He rose again. The purpose of marriage is to reflect the love Christ has for the church; a love that sacrifices and never gives up.
Research backs up God’s plan. Cohabiters experience divorce rates that are 50-80% higher and experience more difficulties in marriage (Stanton, 2011). One reason for this is that cohabitation has no commitment which allows both parties to take advantage of the situation. Men are less productive in the work place and they tend to be more degrading because they don’t feel they have to work hard for something that isn’t a commitment (Stanton, 2011). Women often cohabitate because they think they will have more authority in the relationship, but the opposite occurs. They are more likely to find themselves in an abusive relationship. Cohabiters are also more likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, and commit adultery (Stanton, 2011).
Cohabitation can sound attractive on the surface, but once beginning this form of a relationship, it can have serious effects. Marriage should be held in honor among all (Hebrews 13:4). The benefits are worth it. I would take nothing back about my dating relationship I had with my husband. Dating was difficult, but we also built a foundation on our spiritual and emotional intimacy first. We really got to know each other spiritually and emotionally before making that physical connection. We experienced our firsts together in marriage without fear of rejection. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s not easy and we’re not perfect, but with God’s help we have been able to grow closer through the difficult times. God knew what He was doing when He created marriage!
Carly Winterstein
The Facts in this blog were taken from Glenn Stanton’s Book “The Ring Makes All the Difference” (2011) and North Dakota Family Alliance’s Marriage Task Force Marriage Report “Marriage: One Foundation” (2013). To receive a copy of the report please contact the NDFA office at 701-364-0676 or [email protected]
After I introduced my boyfriend, my friend and co-worker responded with, “My boyfriend and I are now living together!” and she was clearly excited about it. I didn’t know how to respond. While I came to share my excitement for marriage, I felt pressured to have the same excitement for two people moving in together. I have to admit I faked excitement. I didn’t want my true feelings to jeopardize our friendship. I faked excitement because it’s what society expected of me. I’m not saying it was the best reaction to have, but it’s what happened. What I know to be true didn’t stop me; that living together is not the same as marriage and can even be dangerous. The truth is that this conversation is all too common among people my age; people in their 20’s. We are expected to view cohabitation as a normal and even a good and healthy step in a relationship. This is far from the truth.
Because of cohabitation, unmarried couples have increased by 17 times (Wilcox, 2011)! This seems so drastic, but it’s easy for me to believe. It seems that there are more people living together than getting married these days. Some of you may be asking why? There are many reasons. A lot of young people have lost their faith in marriage in large part due to divorce (Stanton, 2011). I can understand why too. It seemed like half of my friends growing up at one time or another had to experience a painful divorce. If I had gone through what they did, I would find it hard to trust marriage too. Divorce is the number one factor to undercut a child’s quality of life (Wilcox, 2011).
Passionate, selfish love is seen everywhere in our culture. This is another reason why many couples find cohabitation attractive (Stanton, 2011). Once the passionate love wears off in one relationship, there is no commitment to break if they want to seek passionate love elsewhere. Our consumeristic culture has rubbed off on our relationships. Once one relationship isn’t meeting all of someone’s desires anymore they move onto the next one, or that’s at least the growing trend (William Doherty, 2011). I think both of these reasons can be heard in a comment I often hear, “Why get married, if we can live together? Isn’t it the same thing, just not on paper?”
The answer is no, absolutely not. Marriage is not just a piece of paper; it is a covenant relationship between husband and wife. In Malachi 2:14 a wife is referred to as more than a companion, but a wife by covenant. A covenant is more than a promise and it is more than a contract. It is something we are not too familiar within our culture, but if we look at the bible we can see God fulfilling covenant after covenant. His covenant with Noah to never destroy the earth again, His covenant with Abraham to multiply his descendants, His covenant with the Israelites to deliver them from slavery and bring them to the promised land, and His covenant to bring us Jesus Christ. All of these covenants God has faithfully fulfilled.
The covenant of marriage was created to reflect Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Christ never gave up on the Church and Christ never stopped loving the church. Christ died for the church and then He rose again. The purpose of marriage is to reflect the love Christ has for the church; a love that sacrifices and never gives up.
Research backs up God’s plan. Cohabiters experience divorce rates that are 50-80% higher and experience more difficulties in marriage (Stanton, 2011). One reason for this is that cohabitation has no commitment which allows both parties to take advantage of the situation. Men are less productive in the work place and they tend to be more degrading because they don’t feel they have to work hard for something that isn’t a commitment (Stanton, 2011). Women often cohabitate because they think they will have more authority in the relationship, but the opposite occurs. They are more likely to find themselves in an abusive relationship. Cohabiters are also more likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, and commit adultery (Stanton, 2011).
Cohabitation can sound attractive on the surface, but once beginning this form of a relationship, it can have serious effects. Marriage should be held in honor among all (Hebrews 13:4). The benefits are worth it. I would take nothing back about my dating relationship I had with my husband. Dating was difficult, but we also built a foundation on our spiritual and emotional intimacy first. We really got to know each other spiritually and emotionally before making that physical connection. We experienced our firsts together in marriage without fear of rejection. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s not easy and we’re not perfect, but with God’s help we have been able to grow closer through the difficult times. God knew what He was doing when He created marriage!
Carly Winterstein
The Facts in this blog were taken from Glenn Stanton’s Book “The Ring Makes All the Difference” (2011) and North Dakota Family Alliance’s Marriage Task Force Marriage Report “Marriage: One Foundation” (2013). To receive a copy of the report please contact the NDFA office at 701-364-0676 or [email protected]